At last, I can join my weekly meme's Hooray.... for this weeks theme at Couple's Corner it is our First Year as Husband and wives...
Well for starter it wasnt easy... LOL, Imagine being with a stranger 24/7 heheh just kidding.
Kidding aside our first year together was full of ups and downs... it is the stage where you really get to know each other very well. All your inhibitions with each other would be gone just by getting married.
For us particulary our, First year together as husband and wife was made more difficult by the fact that a few days before our wedding in the Philippines, I was diagnosed with PCOD ( polycystic ovarian disease) what a great wedding gift =(. There I was wanting to start our new life with the man of my dreams hoping that someday we would have our own little family..Then with just a couple of test and ultrasound.... the doctor said... I am sorry to tell you this but you would be having a great difficulty getting pregnant and the chances of having a child is remote even with the help of medicine....
We started our first year together on a rough start....I keep hiding my true feelings that I feel incomplete and I just pretended that I am alright. Little did I know that he knew deep inside I am a wreck... He knew from the start that I wanted to be a MOM.... probably because I have promised myself to be a great mother to my child... that I wont be like my own mother.... that I would be better...
Being infertile, lessens your self confidence... at times you would feel as if your worthless.. that you are not complete... you always look at your self as subsidiary and not worth it.... Having faced with this issue I must say It has affected our marriage life greatly.
At one point my husband told me ( while I am in my self pity mode)- I wished I never married you.... Maybe then you wont feel more pressured to give me a child... maybe then you would see that I am here and what's more important is the life we make together ... you and I, I never said that I would marry you just to have kids... I married you because I want to spend my life with you and not what you can give me... He goes on begging... Please baby, just for once... think of how great we are together before we knew of your condition... how much we have fun.. how much love we gave each other... how blissbul life was.. He even said, if it is really hard for you to go on with this marriage and if it would really make your life miserable just thinking of what we dont have rather than what we have right now, I think it is best if we separate and give each other freedom ( Gusto pa ko idivorce on our first year together heheheh).
Well that was my wake up call, that night I think about what he has said and I just prayed to God that if I can't be a mom just help me to be a better wife. After almost a year of self pity, I woke up and see how much God blessed me with a wonderful guy who was willing to accept me with all my imperfections and who is still willing to spend his whole life with me ( with or without a kid).
Our first year may not be perfect but I believe it was the start of a deeper relationship with my husband. One that is past the honeymoon stage, realizing that this man would be my forever, the one who would always be at my side no matter what and who loves me more than his life.
We may have started at the wrong side but I think we would catch up and finish on top =)