Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Missing out....

Every night whenever I am putting bea to sleep, it would be our usual routine to lay in her bed and catch up on what happened to her all through the day. I would usually ask her what she did at ninang’s house ( her God mother is the one taking care of her while me and dadi is at work), what she ate, did she behave, what she watched and stuff.

Last night after teaching her how to pray I told her to close her eyes and sleep, I told her we needed to wake up early because we will be going to the clinic ( she needed to have a booster shot on her H1N1 shot, while I needed a flu shot and also the H1N1 shot). She told me “ Mommy and bea go to the doctor?, get medicine?” I said yes, she goes on saying “ After doctor Mommy, I go ninang house, watch Dora, eat chicken then shower then eat lunch then sleep then watch Dora again”. I asked her if she wants me to cook soup for her to bring to her ninang’s house, she replied “No, only ninang cook soup for bea”. I asked her if she wants to shower before we go to the Clinic, again she replied “No, bea only shower in ninang’s house”. Then she kissed me and said, Good night Mommy, I love you.

As I was staring at her while she is sleeping, I can’t help feel sad on how much my daughter has adapted to my working situation she knows that she has to stay at her ninang’s house while I am at work. I think she even enjoy staying there because she has planned all her activities while she is at her ninang’s house.

Her ninang in return cant be more proud of her, whenever I come to pick bea up at her house she would always have stories on how well my daughter has accompanied her- how Bea made her laugh with her witty remarks, how entertained she is while bea is dancing and singing. She would even tell me that she was able to have bea eat vegetables. Although I am so happy that someone looks after my Bea while I am trying to help my husband earn for our future I cant help but feel jealous at times.

I should be the one to spend time with my Bea… I should be the one who is teaching her to eat new dish.. I should be the one who stays with her and witness her antics, witt and talent. I feel I am missing out a lot on Bea but most of all I miss being needed. It is as if she doesn’t need me anymore, once when I dropped Bea at her ninang’s house, Bea told me to go back to my car and go to work, I cant help myself but to feel a little pinch in my heart. I realize how much my daughter has grown and that she doesn’t need me that much anymore.

I feel sad, I feel jealous, I feel missing out a lot… If only I could stay home everyday to be the one to take care of bea, if only we have enough and that I don’t have to work anymore I would do a better job as a mom to my daughter.

I only hope with the limited time I am spending with her, I am still doing an excellent job for whatever short time I have with her.

Just a random thought on a cloudy Tuesday afternoon.
Have a great day everyone.

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